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“We read to know that we are not alone” (Nicholson, 1993)
I feel very honoured to have been asked by Jane Harris and Jimmy Edmonds to contribute a case study to their recently published book “When Words Are Not Enough” (2022). Followers of this blog will be familiar with my account of how I have found solace and catharsis from swimming outdoors, in the sea; how it has helped me to stay connected with my daughter Wendy and has offered a focus and a purpose to help me ‘keep going’ when I have been feeling sad or helpless.
I first met Jane and Jimmy through the outdoor swimming community network and I know how important regular swims in the sea have been to Jimmy as he has navigated his own grief journey. Their book is a beautifully written – and welcome – account of their own journey through the unimaginable changes that have occurred for them and their family, following the death of their son, Josh. They have written in an honest – and sometimes raw – way about how they learned to “regain a sense of purpose and meaning, to bring stability back to our lives, to accept his death and find a way of including it in everything we do‘. They have learned to accommodate Josh and his death into their ongoing lives in various imaginative ways that have sought to ‘fill the void left by his absence‘. Much of what they write about, as they have taken this journey, will resonate deeply and powerfully with any one who is bereaved – as it did with me. As David Spiegelhalter writes in his review of the book, Jane and Jimmy have “wisely rejected any idea of ‘moving on’ or ‘closure“. Instead the book offers “a kind of creative map” (Stevenson, 2022) to help others find a way to accommodate a new future that emphasises ‘continuing bonds‘ with the deceased.
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I’ll return to you
I’ll return and fill that space in your heart.
(Tracy Chapman, 1995)
Alongside their own personal reflections, Jane and Jimmy have included in the book 13 other case studies, chosen for the ways in which they illustrate the central thesis of this book: of how creativity – or creating something new that would not have existed if their loved one had not died – can shape a future that continues to include the deceased. I urge you to buy and to read the book to understand the range of ways they have interpreted that word: ‘creativity’.
Time and Tide
My own contribution to this book describes the ways in which I have found, how swimming in the sea, not only soothes me and ‘washes away’ some of the painful thoughts and feelings that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me, but also leads (especially in the colder months) to a sense of achievement – of surviving. I also describe how writing about my ‘Just Keep Swimming’ journey, in this blog, has helped me to make sense of the complex range of emotions that I continue to experience.
I am not alone in deriving this comfort and this purpose from swimming in the sea. I have, over the years, read many accounts of the impact that outdoor swimming has had on the experience of others who are grieving. It is not a surprise, therefore, that 3 of the other case studies in Jane and Jimmy’s book, (in addition to mine), are about swimming and about the sea.
“Grief and cold water, very cold water, do have a lot in common, mostly in the sense of
being alien environments that one would not normally choose to enter.” (Edmonds, 2022)
Jimmy Edmonds writes of how swimming in cold waters connects him to his son, Josh, in ways that he finds both ‘surprising and rewarding‘ and opened up opportunities to get to know things about Josh that he hadn’t known before.
Sophie Pierce describes how swimming outdoors, immersing herself in the sea, rivers and lakes has helped to console and heal her following the death of her son, Felix. “Physically, the cold water sends my body into a sharp response, like a re-set button, and this is somehow helpful”.
Ruth Fitzmaurice recounts how the ‘prolonged loss‘ of her husband, Simon, through Motor Neurone Disease led her to find release in swimming “in the freezing waters of the Irish Sea” ridding her mind “of the painful chatter“and “lifting the daily sadness from my bones“. I read Ruth’s powerful book I Found My Tribe a couple of years ago. In the case study she describes how how she was driven to write that book through the pain of her grief. “I wrote like a maniac to write my way out of this … I swam and wrote about it and the book took on a life of its own” She describes how out of that pain grew not just a book, but a community, a following, a tribe – and how this has brought her enormous comfort as she rebuilds her life.
Ebb and Flow
The challenge for all of us who are bereaved, is learning how to rebuild our lives around the grief. As I described in my earlier post And The Sea Is Wide, I have found Tonkin’s (1996) model of ‘Growing Around Grief’ to be one that resonates with me. The grief doesn’t shrink, we don’t ‘get over it’, but we can learn to accommodate it and build a life around it without it destroying us. In their book, Jane Harris and Jimmy Edmonds have taken a similar approach. As they say: “grief is not a passing phase, a moment of doom and gloom from which we will eventually emerge to the sunlit uplands of a happier and more productive life. It’s an ongoing condition … integral to our new reality”. Their book is as uplifting as it is, sometimes, sad, as they share the insights they have learned about ‘a proactive approach to grief‘.
Everyone will grieve for someone at some point in their lives and I believe that, everyone will find something in this book that ‘speaks’ to their own experience. You don’t have to swim in cold water (unless you choose to) but you might be inspired by some of the other ways forward if you read this book – and hey! – if for no other reason, read it because Wendy and I are in it!
References
Chapman, T. (1995) The Promise, from the album New Beginning, Elektra Records
Edmonds, J. (2022) Secret Waters, in When Words Are Not Enough, p. 102-109
Fitzmaurice, R. (2022) Sea Soul, in When Words Are Not Enough, p. 110-113
Harris, J. & Edmonds, J. (2022) When Words Are Not Enough, Quickthorn
Nicholson, W. (1993) Line written for the character of C.S.Lewis, played by Anthony Hopkins, in the film Shadowlands
Oliver, B. (2022) And The Sea Is Wide, justkeepswimmingBillie.wordpress.com
Oliver, B. (2022) Just Keep Swimming, in When Words Are Not Enough, p. 114-115
Pierce, S. (2022) Letters To A Son, in When Words Are Not Enough, p. 38-41
Spiegelhalter, D. (2022) Review included on cover of When Words Are Not Enough, Quickthorn
Stevenson, J. (2022) Review included on cover of When Words Are Not Enough, Quickthorn
Tonkin, L. (1996) Growing around grief – another way of looking at grief and recovery, in Bereavement Care, Vol 15, Issue 1
Just Keep Swimming 